Arguing and Fighting Is Tearing Our Marriage Apart...

My husband and I have been married for two years now. I truly believe he is my best friend and soulmate. But lately we've been arguing alot. Even on the phone we tend to argue about small, petty things. I feel like he takes a lot of anger out on me and I always seem to get my feelings hurt. He has a real tendency to shut down, as do I, but then we end up fighting all over again. Any idea what I should do? How do we bring up issues without getting defensive?

Answer:

Arguments can erode any relationship, no matter how much love is there. Love is not enough. It is destructive to keep arguing or reacting when trying to communicate. Sooner or later, things get said or done that cannot be taken back.

You are digging yourselves into a deep hole. People inside that hole are blaming, being critical, condemning each other, getting defensive, shutting down, or stonewalling. Nothing ever gets resolved in that hole. But most couples act as if they truly believe there is a pile of precious gold at the bottom. They are incorrect.

You can only resolve your issues when you are outside that hole, when you are being resourceful and constructive. So it's important for you to know rule one for what to do when you find you're in a deep, dark hole: Stop digging!
Whenever you start to get upset, and things are headed towards that hole, it will better serve you -- and your marriage -- to take a time out.

Say, "I am not resourceful enough right now to solve this. I need to take some time out. I want to get back together later and make some positive headway on this."